The fact that I’m right about something demands that others must change to accommodate my rightness, correct? Rightness matters…right?! After all… When you’re right, you’re right! Am I wrong?!
Being Right, Treating Right
I was recently thinking about an incident with my two sons maybe three years ago. My teenage son had been learning to skateboard for about a year. And as a teenager, he didn’t always think about safety or potential impacts of his decision-making. So he was doing something with his skateboard that his younger brother knew could result in an accident. Not a disastrous one, but maybe some scrapes and bruises. Because of my younger son's "rightness" he felt he had the right to demand his older brother not do what he was doing. As anyone with teens knows, his interaction with his brother didn't end well!
After pulling them apart, it was time for some brief instruction and coaching. One on making better decisions and thinking about the potential impacts, and the other on better approaches to telling someone what they're doing may result in injury. I ended this last discussion with this message:
"People don't care if you're right; they care how you treat them. So swallow your pride about being right and treat them right."
It's about our own character and strengthening our relationships, not about being right and forcing others to accept our "rightness."
The Ripple Analogy
When thinking about how we treat others, we could use an analogy of ripples created when an object is dropped into water. Ripples will expand out from where the object is dropped into the water. If our life is an expanse of water, what we drop into that water, good or bad, will expand out and touch those around us.
Some people may focus on the "splash" they make (the initial impression, feelings, or emotions evoked). But the ripples are what have the most lasting, far reaching impact.
It's our responsibility to swallow our pride, our perceived right to be right, and place an object in our pool of life that will cause those around us to know they have been treated well.
Feelings, Character, Ripples
Notice I didn't say feel like they've been treated well. It's more than a perception. They need to know they have been treated well. Our caring treatment of others must be so genuine that others move from initial feelings and perceptions to genuinely knowing they have been treated well. Reminds me what Maya Angelou said:
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Feelings and emotions are a component of our interactions (it's the "splash"), but a life of character is much more than feelings alone. Doing the right thing or treating someone right creates feelings in everyone involved. It may feel good to treat someone well. But other times it may not feel good, especially if we are giving up some of our own perceived rights or having a high stakes conversation where the other person may come away feeling hurt. It may feel good to the other person because they've been treated well. But let's be honest, there are times when no matter how hard we try and how genuine the effort, the other person doesn't come away with good feelings. Our responsibility is to treat others from a place of caring, love, and respect but do it with honesty.
How we treat others is a reflection of our character and the ripples will be felt for a long time.
Reflections
Thoughts to contemplate... Leave a comment on these or any other thoughts on this topic.
The Object. What is the object I am dropping or tossing into the water? Is it flippant or thoughtful? Is it uplifting or degrading? Is it encouraging or discouraging? Is it truth delivered with love or truth delivered in a demanding way?
The Ripples. Do I pause to consider the potential impact of my comments or actions? What ripples have I created? What ripples am I creating now? What ripples will I create going forward?
The Paradox. Do we find it easier to talk about character, doing right, and loving others in our personal (non-work) lives but not so much when it comes to careers and our professional lives? Why is that?
And here’s a last thought… Do our digital lives (social media, email, IM, even texting) reflect how well we’re doing at treating others right? Or are they more indicative of our “right to be right”? This is extremely difficult to do well digitally… But that’s a whole different post and I’m really, really trying very hard not to leap up on my soap box 😊
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Ken, this is a great and inspiring article. We impact so many people with our words and actions. This gives me many things to reflect upon.........especially before I lash out at my wife or a family member or a co-worker.
Leaders these days have been great at understanding the quality push back and accept change, Positive Emotional Intelligence is key to a situation like this -